So, after 6 month of anger since of rants started in November all my anger finally died. This is the hopefully final apology-explanation to ALL of what I've experienced a so-called, Poetical "Crisis"... And you still wonder who I am? In your silence/muteness/secret, it looks like if you'd be still afraid, of ME!?? You should stop now, because I have FINALLY cooled down, and I think this is definitive, now... After a Poetical Crisis, there is only MORE Light, not LESS...

I am finally Today, another man: In fact, I became BACK what I should have always been!... And doing so, I realise that I never had problems with you as "people", you are all lovely Scientists, the problem is that's we are doing the job, in a world where Science goes so much all over the places (and it is in many ways, so uselessly inflated/overrated...) it philosophically became to me, sort of so incongruously unbelievable, I had to do something to get out - and a Poet, will do this in style...!!! And what I realise in the process, is that because we met through Science, a core misunderstanding always created between us far too many antagonisms bad judgements that were simply not our fault - but simply the fact you wanted me to be like you, a monolithic Scientist... So I can NEVER say such alternative/subversive "dual" opinion, which defines myself as a free soul scientist-poet, so the situation (miscommunication) always puts me into trouble, despite the "intrinsic innocence" of what I can say...!

And out of science, I slowly realise now WHY: It is BECAUSE I have NEVER been a Scientist in FACT (I realise now, that even if I was not too bad at it, Science is only really a SECOND, imposed nature to me, which I was forcing/pretending, praising it as being an original passion, but I was certainly never doing that so "naturally" but always quite dubiously...): because I always wanted to be & I more and more "feel" myself as a (great potential) Poet!

I have been a "Poesy loaded mind" since about the age of 21 (Word being what has the most value to me, more than materiality...), and I have ended up only AFTER, in engineering studies and did after, some Neutron Scattering for 20 years. If that bizarre combination/coexistence of poesy and science (Poesy being an embryo most of the time and the Science activity dominating my soul) has been possible so long, it is because I can see what you may not see yourselves! There is so much poesy (because of the human diversity and area of interest it attracts!) in Neutron Scattering! and I loved most of my experience & people I've met in it, yes! I TRULY love you ALL, and ALL the fun we've shared, work and/or else, before that, you know... this feel, a Poet can deal with! when "routine installs"...!

Please do not blame a Poet to be exuberant NOW - that he left...! when in my case, this Poet felt he had to hide behind the scientist, whose science was getting all wrong... JUST believe in Parallel Worlds!... All this, in a process that also took a very long time (~5 years), and became more and more invisible/unspeakable... It did not went so wrong... I have end up provoking people "stupidly" with fake fights in ways I actually NEVER regretted I know I AM a "clown" deliberately trained to be an "ape" to you, in private, challenging you with heavy loaded "multicultural" provocation, swearing a lot, waving my hands all over the place! This, always had been a "screen" hiding the real me, my real problem - which is the most innocent! WHAT makes me so apart - soul thorn apart... not race/upbringing or being a potential criminal.. whatever "Image" which I use as a smokescreen (I became also a very good actor - I guess!...) but this fact: I could never make you conceive/share what really means to me, being/feeling like a "Poet"... and I could never make you understand that what I got instead as feedback from you, was so unpleasant, to my intimate Poet's feel...

I felt working in science, a lot of unjustified disdain, yes, let's dare, name that feeling... especially from those who had the chance (as we all played around...) to have received some of my poem (it is a chance, yes - nobody could tell!... so reluctant that I am, on my side to give them away! they are now pieces of a Puzzle framing a quite interesting, and quite consistent "poetical work", a complete 3 years theoretical PhD on Love I bet! Because I believe in me...!!!) and who, by lack of reaction or by their attitude (gossips not helping...), could have mistaken my poetical outlook as the fact I would be inherently "weak" whatsoever... This is/was a preconception very hard to live, for me, but to your credit, Scientists are not the only ones to be blamed, to have made me feel unjustly such bad - and I feel proud that I can prove the contrary (to myself, and from many sincere ENCOURAGEMENTS I got) whatever people think of what I can do "artistically" for that these days (I know the exact limits of pamphlets/provocation!... remember Charlie!...), since this has been my lifetime Cross! Being/feeling like a "Poet", just brings severe misunderstanding, with Everyone!

So all my more recent EXTROVERTED provocation (after a Life of introversion...), my "rants", the "energy" I spit in my videos just reads more seriously AS IS; they were show all a 20 years introverted reaction to THAT opinion, each time I say the word "Poesy", which I unjustly get: and say to ALL, HEY OH! NO NO NO and NO! Poets are NOT (only...) weak persons! Now that this is well VISIBLE, in display of "amateurish talents" to show singing & dancing, this elementary EVIDENCE, so important to me, because I am so strongly influenced by POPULAR culture: just accept me (anyone!) as I am (see what I can become, NOW - rocker, rapper, whatever, knowing that I may not pay, that I need to reconvert thinking of Education in lower income areas or start over with small jobs...)! Hope I don't need (because I did not wanted, to start with...!) to provoke you any more, no more than you will ask you to "read" the ~150 pages of writing I did the last past two years neither, since you always looked at me as an "alien" whatever I "say"... I don't want/need to convince you more that my difference - being Poet - was always more respectable, as what you reflected me back...

One of my main mentor to have always thought in such a "dual" Science/poetical" way, was Gaston Bachelard, a French philosopher EQUALLY fond of epistemology, and poesy, especially, his Poetics of Reverie. He could make the epistemology of the most paradoxical and complex modern physics problems (quantum mechanics), as well as write about poetics, and deal with the connections between Dreams, Poesy, Psychology. Neutron Scattering "niches", Magnetism, Archeometry, Soft/matter and its connection to biology are all exciting fields of research from such poetical perspective!... But only on the paper.... My 20 years built opinion/experience (from a Poet's view point!) is that NOWADAYS, we all very sadly (pushed to) overrate our results and 70~80 years after... The way modern Science work, the publish and perish business, "fashion-driven" grant and funding (so hard to cope, as a "left over" instrument scientist) etc... totally EXCLUDE such poesy/philosophy as primary drive and this always made me wonder, quite severely, what's the POINT of what we do, hence ?!?! Especially when...

In this modern context, I felt that my PhD subject and UNIQUE result (it still has NO equivalent to my knowledge!!!) was really like an "old-skool dream" whose implication have been "diverted" and spoiled in some way... It has been initially hailed as a potential "mini-revolution" that promoted me as a super star for ~3 years (2002-2005), but I "felt" just "ripped off" after being systematically and wrongly antagonised STUCK on the question whether if "I'm experimentally SO right or MAYBE wrong" (I skip you the technical details supporting instead my opinion-philosophy, this was NOT the RIGHT question, my work IMPLIES experimentally really more subtle DEONTOLOGICAL problems, and was calling for MORE theoretical support which is STILL missing) For the next 10 years I hence found that science was not showing (philosophically) , any respectfulness and almost sort of structurally (the way dialectic & fashions operated, in my area), it was not ready to understand the real issues, which lead my PhD input to be essentially misused/wasted in many ways, in my opinion: from the epistemological perspective I bring in Essence a deep paradigm shift, a brand new "Phenomenology" born from a Single but Essential experiment on a Prototype system which had a plethora of SPECULATIVE implications going beyond that sole system, which are still largely ahead of times, I believe...

But such "Ideas", even if they look attractive, have never been helping me as a working multi-tasked scientist: a lot of implication were asking for MY ADVICE driven theoretical support and experiments are still most essentially not able to distinguish the 60 years old and the new phenomenology. My work IS, its sole definition, and all related problems have still been largely overlooked, and most often badly approached (just by slowly excluding me from the debates circumstantially!) A purely "experimentally defined new knowledge" is extremely rare in modern physics, where most "Understanding" comes from experiments needing (basing on or disputing) EXISTING theories... Such way in which I ended up alone in an Ivory tower, to see the "nature" of my own input used and/or misused, turning up to be impossible to sell, my wasted experimental efforts (analysis too tedious...) on the subject, did "ruined" my carrier AND, I was thorn by the Idea I should better just give up, "my own PhD baby"...

I was accumulating such a strong personal disappointment The much vaster "Vision" hiding behind my "View" was already all contained in seminars I did travelling everywhere around 2004! but I found them more and more impossible to exploit/prove, by doing "realistic experiments", together with the fact the subject kind of came out of fashion in neutron world. All of what was published elsewhere (without ever being asked advice) was extremely disappointing (whilst I was struggling to get my new results/confirmations you can only get, if you focus on the subject WITH heavy resources: feeling like I was "loosing my [own] religion" - to quote the famous REM song... isolated, and set out of the "Arena"...

But We (the Scientist, AND the Poet) NEVER wanted to fight: we ALWAYS wanted to talk...! I managed to shoot off on stage with the most heavy rock played on Classical guitar (electro-shock!) about same time too (summer 2012) and I despite the high provocation, I did found people to talk to and receptive to "my feelings" - in contrary to within Science!!!... And two years later, I've end up doing - scaring Scientists/ex-frineds, with the highly provocative "Civil war" video boosted by the shooting in Paris (January 2014)

Apotheosis of a 2 years unseen inner spring tension, between a huge scientific disappointment as core motivation on one end, MISMATCHING the support of the world, outside on the other end, when I in fact feel clearer and clearer, in my mind, not being able to admit it: "Fed up! I want to quit!!!"... so I sent my "MESSAGES" angrily, and got finally dismissed, quite "dramatically"...

So finally, I hope you may start to see like me, out of the (Purple) haze: ALL THIS was ALL so LOGICAL (and the madness... just apparent...) !!!! Recalling that my inner drive being that of being "a Poet" that feels, BEFORE being a Scientist that counts... (rem: I'm still not a musician BTW - I define myself as a modern "troubadour", I still can't write a song, but I love theatre, hence the many change of dress in the "Civil war" vid aimed at increasing the sense of "Universalism" of my message...!) nothing to regret: I've just reread myself... Because "in between the Lines" my two past years in Science have also boosted my Poesy since 2013: It deeply matured, in Secret:

However, since and still nowadays, I'm failing to "communicate" the experience in Discussions, most people I meet refuse by default to "believe me" or don't seem to want to face the potential audacity I advocate, about my Idea, when I warn before I tell it... well, you know, it is about serious Taboos, so.... do yo really want/are youpreapred and willing to know - set you in a state of total loving/open-mindedness?!... I don't see it happening: so I keep SECRET it... But I know, THIS is my Destiny! Try and try and try to rephrase it, maybe hidden in songs in artistic ways, outside Science... I feel only reluctance to TALK about this important revelation and developed strong tendency to hold it back, accordingly), ..

Until the autumn 2014, all what was happening in my mind was finishing to make me loose all interest in Science, and the tension between the Poesy & Illumination enlightening me - which came additionally supported by someone, by the Love of another Poet (Karen!), which I've coincidentally found! - and my "feel" of the fact my Science besides, continued to get worse, all this lived always more in introversion, and became impossible to deal together/in regard, with the revelation of what looked like if I have NOW a new "Mission" beyond Science to realise, in Life... THIS (the systematic dubious reaction of my colleagues to my attempt to talk about my revelation) is what has made all my last "invectives" (largely unconsciously) most violent and looking like if I am "having a go at ALL", in the unbearable proportion, which you know. Any one who I may have been offended MUST believe me! For God sake! NONE of the "rants" and invectives I've sent to you were personal, most was provocation trying to "reveal who I think I am/became" reflecting the haze of the past 2 years long severe "Poetical crisis" that end up in finally clarifying who I am, beyond my pristine internal Poetical/Science division in my mind...: ALL rants, are to be PARDONED for the incapacity/misunderstanding we share, that a Poet cannot rationally express to none of you a U-turn in Life, whilst simultaneously drowning badly in his Scientific life, and tell, how much the break up could be imminent, in 2014... IN FACT, I HAVE (semi-deliberately) LOGICALLY provoked without regrets my dismissal from Science (by shouting at you... FOR GOD SAKE! HEAR ME!!! But you never did...), so at the end of the day...

THE CORE REASON OF SUCH DRAMATIC LIFE TURN, IS DEFINITIVELY the result of a long term inner fight no one has supported, between POESY/Philosophy vs. SCIENCE in me, and the fact that POESY WINS TODAY, more than you being Italians - not understanding my multicultural outlook on Life, or whatever other reason (fortunately)...: I just LOVE POESY above ALL - I found that developments of my Poesy presently CONTRADICTS ALL Science ...!

But I still LOVE YOU ALL - Scientists... Believe it or not!... Even getting apparently impossibly angry at all, enough to commit a sort of "Scientific social suicide" beneficial to ALL, admitting in my Drama Queen way, that the way I dream (Science included) just don't fit in the present Science World!... Praising Life as a better, wider, glittering DREAM...! Ex-crystallographer, I "saw" this (My Destiny) CRYSTAL CLEAR when I recalled to me last summer 2014, the fact I "heard" a woman's Voice calling me not knowing yet (it was when I was still "Love blind" hammered by Science disappointment, in autumn 2012), but discovering only 2 years after, that Karen PROVES TO BE my mirrored Poet, she was the CALL I've waited in my WAY so long, at last: a lifetime Dream, coming true!... And this is also because it is only since I started to slowly discover her, and love her uniquely... like Poets do - or try to do, more exactly... that I opened my eyes slowly everyday more clearly and that I realised, I could not deal with our job any more - because I was also not accepting that not having my cries and severe disappointment heard - was in fact not your problem, but my COMBINED existential problem of a long time, hidden, as a Poet's was howling in me, just wanting to leave a Science felt like just being done.... without Love, on the verge of breaking away, thinking it is the only way to Love Truly...!!! That is why I repeat against the odds of all what I yelled at you, and I shout this at you, now: YES, I - AZIZ THE POET - LOVE YOU ALL!! EVEN IF I have irrecoverable griefs (as a Scientist, to other scientists), but also 1000's of good POETICAL moments with you to remember, so you'll continue to be in my heart & memories - echoing in me this word that lost its meaning... SCIENCE

SCIENCE WAS, and WILL stay (through you too - U2 - One - a reuniting song, I shared with you before you get me angry - sending the Guns and Roses ones...), a big INSPIRATIONAL part of me, of my STRUGGLE, for/in LIFE! but it was time for me, Poet in LOVE... to let it be now a memory.... that made me so thorn apart - out of love - for far too long... I feel like I breathe again! my true aspiration, recovered!!! So I hope you can finally understand/Pardon the core misunderstanding: I hope now, you can accept my failed attempt to "reach you" because I just wanted to be "authentic", a Poet being just by definition, a "violent Soul" (but not.... a violent man...) because I always thought that underneath our mutual provocations, I can accept all of you, and all our differences is in fact only "spiritual" (beyond the way that you all perceived/misunderstood me, as an incorrigible hoody ignoring it hid a Poet which don't see/read), much more than any other "superficial" difference Society antagonism/ misunderstanding have raised unconsciously, irrationally as "superfluous" barriers between us.

Because last, that said, I truly mean and repeat, I LOVE YOU ALL!!! You are ALL the most welcome in the reunited and most PURE heart of the ex-Scientist now Dead, in me, which you were knowing as Dr Aziz Daoud-Aladine... Just to show you "how such heart work" - how a Poet may feel... not fearing being set in unsettled position so to feel Life's tensions in full... Let me show you a picture I've send inspired by "my Muse" Aurelia, a bit before getting my REVELATION and it is Karen, who "understood-Loved" it... a year later, who inspire me Words, to put on it...: since, we are on the same wave, we are on about inventing a "Science of Love", "I feel" WE ARE VERY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS !!!

In the Love of Science, I temporarily stop to believe...

But for a Science of Love! I got a Key! So I can forgive!

Continue to Believe! For me Science is far too hard to cope!

Meet me with Poesy! Keep me up to date! I still keep a Hope!

The two will be HAND in HAND one day! And all Humanity

Will spin! In Couple & In PEACE - all Souls in One Destiny!

I wish you all good luck, with this Life so you find (like I think I did) the reply to its core question/dispute the exact rapport/benefit that exists in society, through history, between SCIENCE AND LOVE... how much do they correlate or support or are antagonist to each other: the whole POINT of MY REVELATION, I think, is that it solves this question, DEFINITIVELY!...